funny how

things become less important to you.

like xanga for example.

finally ok with it

i completely forgot that it's valentine's day.
well, 'til now of course.  duh.

but do you know how great that is?
it means i'm no longer bitter that i'm STILL single.
if i'm not thinking about it, then that means it doesn't bother me anymore.

right?

i (don't) wanna grow up

all things beautiful

i've been trying to write this song for 3 months.
it NEVER takes me that long.
but once again...
it's always well worth the wait.

the masquerade
the sweet parade
the pretty faces spin around
we're hiding now
inside the crowd
our perfect smiles pasted on
oh pretty face
don't look away!
you've really got them going now!
don't let them see the mess you are
behind your smile

don't you ever grow
weary of the show?
you're the star
faking your way through
don't you ever want to
lose the mask and turn and ask them

will you still love me when i
can't fake it anymore?
will you still want me when i
push you away?
will you still listen when my
words have turned to ugly questions?
when i have nothing to offer you
will you take my tears instead?
when all the pretty in me has gone from me
will the ugly scare you away?

now that i belong to You
all of my masks are stripped away
and i have seen inside of me
just how ugly things can be
yet You say,
"don't look away!
you don't have to be ashamed!"
how can it be that i can
be like You?

i know You're not like man
Your love is perfect
never failing
always chasing us
i have the Answer
but i still don't know a single thing so
forgive me if i'm ignorant
but Jesus,
i have these questions
i gotta ask them

will You still love me when i
can't fake it anymore?
will You still want me when i
push You away?
will You still listen when my
words have turned to ugly questions?
when i have nothing to offer You
will You take my tears instead?
when all the pretty in me has gone from me
will the ugly scare You away?

then i hear You say

I'm not afraid to love you, child
so let me in
I'm not afraid to want you, child
don't run away
I'm not afraid to see you, child
for what you are
pretty or not
you're what i want
you're what i want
and I am making
all things beautiful

thank You.
i love You.

AND...i'm not afraid of sharptooth... (i wish)

i've spent most my life afraid.
in fact, fear is the only reason i'm still sitting here feeling sorry for myself.
i HATE where i am...the way i am..what i'm thinking...what i'm saying...
yet i can't seem to find enough motivation to change those things...

because i'm too freaking afraid.

i'd rather sit here and deal with how much i hate my stupid life right now
than have to venture out and fail...AGAIN.

how pathetic is that?

i can cry and tantrum and be afraid and BEG for You to change things all i want
but the only thing that moves You is

faith.

guess that's why You and i aren't going anywhere.